Thursday, June 3, 2010

Laundromat! Washing My Shame Away!

Holy shit, content!

I was never a big fan of the laundromat, I am also doubly sure that is not how it is spelled. A bunch of strangers sitting about waiting for their laundry to finish, each one with their own sad tale as to why they are here.

Me? I am just washing my bed clothes, the washers in the laundry room in my building are too small to contain the epic nonsense that is my bed clothes. My comforter has a wolf on it, a fucking wolf! AND AN EAGLE! SO FUCK YOUR SHIT!

I am pretty sure the woman across from me doing sudoku is judging me, probably because I have no idea what the fuck sudoku is or see why a lot of people enjoy it. Must be one of those things I don't get, like hockey or common manners. I was never one for number puzzles or any puzzles for that matter (except the ones found in the magical land of Hyrule.) It probably involves math, how i loathe math. If it wasn't so necessary I'd punch it in its no existent face, then get soundly beaten due to my total lack of exercise and muscles. I hate math, and by proxy I now hate that woman!

God it takes this machine far too long to clean the sin out of my bed sheets! I wouldn't even be here if I didn't eat pasta like 3 nights in a row, but its so easy to make! This may explain my many health problems that will soon arise in my future, damn my need for convenient food stuffs.

She's still judging me! That sumg smile and tiny body, thinks she cock of the walk! The queen of the laundromat! With her number skills and pink shirt!

Why did I even write this!?

Sunday, February 14, 2010

I Like To Waste My "Time!"

Oh god the pun...

Lately I've be beyond bored and I find myself looking back on old projects that never really went anywhere but the dusty folders of my tiny laptop. I decided that I am going to share most of my work both funny and unfunny (well in my mind its all unfunny I think I like to hear myself talk).

Where was I? Oh right whoring myself out like I was a triple cunted hooker!

So much like this place is a house for all of my tiny brain farts which may or may not amount to something, I created another blog for one of those "little" projects.

Ladies and gentlemen I give you, Time Scar!


Now the pun makes sense!

That's all I got right now, get off my lawn.


Monday, February 8, 2010

I Still Will Not Color Inside The Lines! (Part 2)

Its report card time! Much like before but with a lot less more, missing a few report cards here and there (for reasons I'll make up later.) Now lets mock my childhood learning progression!

Kevin (Age 6)
Grade One (Nov 28, 1991)

"I am very pleased with Kevin's efforts at applying himself to and completing his assignments.

"Kevin's interaction with his playmates has been much more positive this term, with far fewer "outbursts". He is more conscious of his own reactions to situations and handles himself much better."

"Congratulations Kevin! I am very pleased that Kevin has shown improvement in each area in which I expressed concern in his November report. I feel he is much more aware of his responsibilities both concerning his work habits and his social interactions. Keep up the good work Kevin!"

Ooooh italics, I am getting fancy!

Looks like I learned something from grade primary, although "outbursts" makes it sound like I shit myself or something to that effect. If you recall from last time, I had a habit it seemed of mocking people then crying when they mocked me back. I guess hitting them is something they wanted? Who knows, but at least I seem to be making progress.

Kevin (Age 7)
Grade One (June 28, 1991)

"Kevin has had a very successful year in Grade One. He is a very competent student. he is learning good socializing skills and I'm sure with increased maturity he will gain more confidence in his interactions with his playmates. I have enjoyed working with Kevin this year. Good luck in Grade Two. Have a happy and safe summer!"

Well it seems like I am totally getting the hang of this "school" thing, I recall Grade One being pretty good. Not many sparks like in Grade Primary of current generation Kevin but my memory is spotty, I would assume due drinking and blocking out potential bad memories. Mostly drinking.

I did however do one hell of a "scooper job", I love the tiny stickers you got in the lower grades. Gold stars, yellow moons, green clovers! It was like eating a bowl of Lucky Charms, but instead of eating you are learning. Unless you ate paper, or something.

My Grade One teacher was awesome for that if I recall. Had those stickers that you would scratch and it would smell like the thing on the sticker! The smell part doesn't last very long, not that "Scooper Job" would have a smell, and god only knows what that would smell like.

Poo jokes, yes I totally went there.

Kevin (Age 8)
Grade Two (March, 1992)

"Kevin is continuing to make steady progress. His reading and math work is very good. I would like to see him improve in his written assignments. They are not always the neatest and if I ask him to erase and try again he becomes upset. I enjoy working with Kevin and he usually adds to class discussions."

So there is only one report card found in the stuff mom has lying about, it seems I could care less about how my work looks as long as its done. Sounds like me, I do enjoy getting my work done quick so I could fuck about with ANYTHING ELSE BUT WORK!

I guess that's it for Grade Two, I pretty much remember absolutely nothing from it so...lets move along before I have an episode or an "outburst!"

Oh god, the tears! Its too late! Move to Grade Three, GRADE THREE!!

Kevin (Age 8)
Grade Three (Nov, 23 1992)

"Kevin is inclined to be messy. His attitude could be much better. He gives up easly and cries if he gets "stuck" at little things. Sometimes Kevin argues that something is correct when it is not."

"Kevin has very good math skills but he gets frustrated easily and ends up crying over nothing. He needs more confidence in himself. His skills are very good, but he doesn't seem to think so at times."

This right here is proof that at an early age I knew I was always right! However it seems I have trouble believing in myself, hell everyone doubts themselves sometimes. Obviously I got over it or else I'd still be in Grade Three, or homeless on the street turning tricks for quarters.

You know what I mean!

Kevin (Age 8)
Grade Three (Feb, 26 1993)

"Kevin can be neat when he takes his time. Some improvement this term. Much improvement this term. He is a good student this term."

"Kevin has settled down a lot this term. He is not as easily frustrated as before; and accepts homework when he has to do it. I feel that he could put a little more effort into making his work neater. Way to go Kevin I see a big improvement!"

Alright I'll give you this, I still rush when doing work I don't want to do. It just has to be interesting enough to hold my attention. Like any human being really. Mind you at this point I am 8 and have no idea what I want to be when I "grow up", I just wanted to get home and play Super Nintendo.

Kevin (Age 9)
Grade Three (June 29, 1993)

"Kevin's work could be neater if he takes his time."

Okay seriously, give me a fucking break with the neatness. I have terrible handwriting, I STILL HAVE terrible handwriting!

"Kevin has excellent math skills. His oral reading is also excellent. He has worked hard all term. Kevin has been promoted to Grade Four. Best of luck next year Kevin!"

Excellent math skills? Where the fuck did they go? My oral reading is excellent, yeah look at me grow and slowly (and I do mean slowly) become awesome! I wonder what lies in store for me next, and I bet you do too!

So seeing as I couldn't really find any other report cards, we'll end with Grade Three. Don't fret person from the internet I am pretending to talk to, if I find more I'll post more.

Till next time kittens, stay frosty.

(Kittens? Frosty? Yeah, no!)

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Why do people drink? (Part 1 of....more?)

Good god, its 12:00am

Another few weeks go by with no updates! Progress? Seeing as one update a week is reasonable I am going with that, not that anyone is really reading this blog*.

Now if you know me, you know I drink. Not too often to be an alcoholic but just enough for it to be in excess. In my last drunken endeavor I started to think to myself;

"What exactly is the point of all this?"

Well not during the actual adventure itself, it was more of an afterthought, a reflection, a cry from a brain so deeply bathed in substances I am pretty sure are used to either mix or strip paint; that I am surprised I suffered no permanent damage.

You see, there are varying levels of drunk. It starts off very innocently, you have a few beer, or one really strong drink, or you inhale the fumes due to lack of tolerance, and you become "buzzed."

Yes buzzed, not sober, but not yet drunk. You are now getting a bit loosened up however a good glass of water and an hour or so of not drinking will sober you right up. However, we all know no one wants that (for some strange reason) and drinks continue to be swallowed. Soon you reach the razor thing edge between buzzed and fully drunk, the "Razor's Edge". You could stop now, and still savor a part of your sober self. Yes that tiny part of reason and wisdom that keeps you from doing something you'll regret (which also could be something your friends and loved ones will NEVER let you forget!)

Humans however have proven time and time again however, that we really don't like that part of ourselves. So down the hatch the next few go and here we are, "Dirty Drunk" you somehow are able to function in public but not well. Anything could set you off into a drunken ramble/fight/crygasm or some clusterfuck combination of the three. Its that this point that decisions are made, and made poorly! Still there is a way to recover and gain some respect.

Unless you keep going down the rabbit hole, and that's when it all falls apart. "Blackout Drunk", at this point you will drink anything, go anywhere, sleep anywhere, fuck anything (and I mean ANYTHING!) At this point you have at the very least 30 minutes to function before you completely shut down. Pray you have either good friends, or enough money to cab home (always bring a note with your address on it just in case, you never know!)

Then comes the hangover, in most cases hangovers are nothing more then a annoyance. Like stubbing your toe on the wall, except instead of your toe its your penis, and instead of a wall its a....wall.....

What was my point? Well I don't really think I have one, I just wanted to talk about drinking for some unknown reason. If I had a point, it would be that while I do do it, and will have fun with it sometimes; I still do not understand why people feel the need to drink until they are completely obliterated. It boggles my mind further that they would attempt to venture into public and try to interact with everyone knowing full well that nothing good will come from it.

Then again, this is coming from a guy who was hungover for about two days and slept on a towel in the bathroom....

I am sure I had a point? Perhaps after a few drinks I can remember what it was.

*Well I am sure people do, for those that do I will be making more of an effort on my part to keep up to date. More for my sake then yours! Also, my first footnote! Exciting stuff!

Monday, January 18, 2010

I Still Will Not Color Inside The Lines! (Part 1)

Yes yes, I am aware I mentioned something about updating twice a week or some other empty promise like that. Seeing as I couldn't really finish something interesting, here's something else! Enjoy it!

My last night before heading back to Toronto, I found myself up in my mother's dining room looking through the old cabinet. Inside I found a book, its stuffed with little projects and pictures from when I was in school (oddly enough, nothing was there from university.) It was also in this book I found old report cards, and within these report cards I found:

Teacher's Comments!

I was bored, they were there and I decided to write all of them down! I was going to do something with them, but seeing as I have no idea what I am going to post the first few here for your enjoyment.

I was that bored!

Well lets start with Preschool, seems like a better place to start then anywhere else:

Kevin (Age 4-5)
Preschool (March 1989)

"Kevin seems to enjoy his day at pre-school. Although Kevin has no problem understanding the work we do, he often has a problem focusing his attention on the particular task and needs encouragement to bring his attention back. Socially Kevin has difficulty sharing and playing properly in a group situiation. Encouraging Kevin to cut at home will help improve his fine motor skills. Kevin participates in our activities and he enjoys the gross motor games such as jumping, sliding and throwing the ball."

Not big on sharing, my mother put it in better words "Little did they know you just didn't give a fuck." Not much else to say about Preschool it was just a big note typed on what I believe to be an old Macintosh computer, printed from a dot-matrix printer. Lets see how Grade Primary was, or for some of you Kindergarten!

Now in Grade Primary, I received three report cards. Watch the progression!

Kevin (Age 5)
Grade Primary (Nov 27, 1989)

"A likable little boy who has matured quite a bit. He is able to handle the work of this grade. He is gentle and happy but has a mind of his own (he tends to ramble on when telling a story.) His work is still a little messy but he sometimes rushes and this causes the mess. Always willing to participate. A lovely little boy"

For some odd reason at this point and time I was unsure of triangle and rectangle, not sure what that means. Perhaps I never really became sure of them.

Kevin (Age 5)
Grade Primary (Feb 26, 1990)

"Kevin is very independent when it comes to doing what he wants when he wants (like getting dressed, eating, teasing - then crying when teased back!) As far as his academics, he is able to handle the work yet it is done with no pains for neatness. He seems to be immature watching his actions."

Lots of interesting little points on this full report card not found in the comments:

"Can dress self but pokey" I honestly have NO idea what that means!

"Lately has been teasing others; using bad language; wines" It seems even at a young age I was an asshole.

"Wanders from the point" I still do that, STORIES SOMETIMES HAVE FOOTNOTES!

"Looks behind to his neighbor; seems easily distracted" I was making friends :(

"Goes to the washroom often in the middle of work being explained" This translates to "He finds this boring lets go discover that weird thing in my underpants."

Kevin (Age 6)
Grade Primary (June 29, 1990)

"Kevin seems immature socially. He teases children, they tease him, he cries. Hopefully this will improve. He is very able to handle the work but must learn to get along better with other children. I wish you good luck next year in Grade One Kevin."

So it seems going into my first year of grade school I was some sort of mix of a sweet little boy and a complete asshole. Looking back on it all now, chances are the only reason I did bad in some places was because at the time I really didn't give a shit. It should be noted that I also had a habit of giving "silly answers" to get laughs! Another note not found in the comments. I do like (use of like here is very questionable) the sliding scale from "likable boy" to "possible dickhead."

Well that's enough exploiting my childhood memories for now. Next time, Grade One, Two and Three! Exciting!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Hello 2010, How Are You?

Still in a bit of a drunken stupor from last nights adventures, going to try and keep updating this place at least twice a week if not more. I guess its so I can keep track of the challenges and adventures that await me in the coming year. If things move as I have planned then there will be many.

Last night actually presented me with some interesting thoughts which I would like to share with all of you. Lately I have been thinking about understanding people, communication, reaching out to other people. I find myself obessed with this idea. Mostly due to the fact that with proper understanding we'd be rid of conflict, racism, yadda yadda yadda....I'm sure you have heard that before. As much as we'd like to believe we can all get along, many of us tend to keep close minded when it comes to new people, or when being introduced into new situations. When you really don't have much of an understanding you find yourself doubting your ability to adapt to this new situation. Doubting questions like "Will these people like me?" or "What if I don't like...such and such?" run through our mind. Like when you walk into a shady bar with a small group, you'd like to talk to some of the people in the bar but you have no idea how they would react to you. Normally for most this causes them to stand close to a wall and not interact at all, watching other people enjoy thier evening while you sit on the sidelines being lonely. This can cause frustration which can lead to misconceptions about the people around you. Thoughts like "Why are these people so stuck up?" or "Why can't they talk to me?" can soon turn an enjoyable evening into a night of solitary confinement and quiet rage.

What is my point? I am sure your asking that now, am I going to get to a point here? I am, bare with me I am still a tad under the influence.

A challenge is what comes to mind here, something along the lines of every time I go someplace new I am going to try to meet at least one new person. Find out some information about them, try to reach out and make a connection. That's how a friendship starts, that's how some relationships start. Instead of letting your mind come to conclusions, take a step forward and make a new friend. What have you got to lose?

Just a thought that came in....something tells me this could become commonplace on this site of mine. I don't know if that's good or bad.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Operation Restart

2009 has been an interesting year to say the least, a large number of changes has come about. Most of which spawing from really one clear decision and one set of goals made at the end of the pervious year. Not so much a resolution, but me coming to terms with my shortcomings at the time.

Lately I have felt defeated, a weight on my chest still remains. I try to live a life of no regrets, yet I find myself asking questions about past events. Would I do something different? Would I have handeled things differently? What would have been the outcome if...

I found myself back in a rut, I came all the way here and yet I still am doing nothing that I desired. Don't get me wrong, it does take some time to get to a place where you can be happy with both yourself and with your situation. I am doing well for myself in terms of money, my health isn't terrible but could use work, and I have a network of good friends that I both love and respect even though most don't feel that I do. Yet I find myself burdened with questions about my past self (selves), which is effecting my current self, and will no doubt effect my future self and my long term goals.

I have a dream, friends; I have a goal that no matter what needs to be seen to the end. That is why as we move into a new year I prepare to make my stand. You might be asking yourself, just what is "Operation Restart?" What the hell is this guy rambling on about? Why am I reading this? "Operation Restart" is just what the name suggests, taking what I have learned from the past year, the growth I have achieved and using that to start my life from a new point. To throw away, or purge that which is not needed. To take what is positive about my current state in life, and use that as a foundation to create a new life. Its something that really anyone can do.

You who are reading this may be infact at a point in your life where you are at a crossroad, or at a dead end, or at a roadblock, or even starting a new path in life. At times like these, events that are unfolding can be overwhelming. At times you may even feel that just giving into you fears, your doubts, and just exisitng would be the easiest and best choice. You are wrong! You have tools at your disposal which you can use. Use them! You have experiences in your life both painful, and happy. You have a strength that only you are aware of. You may not realize it, but you do have people around you that love and support you! And lastly, you are alive! No goal comes without hard work and sacrifice!

2009 comes to a close, and with it comes the end of another chapter in our lives. 2010 brings an air of change for those willing to accept it, gather your tools and join me this year as we move towards change. If you are at a crossroad in your life, its time to start walking down a path. If you are at a dead end then turn around, retrace your steps and find a new path. If you are lead to a roadblock just walk around it, if there are no means to do so then push right on through. If you find you can't run anymore, then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, and if you can't crawl then you find someone to help carry you the rest of the way. You are never alone!

The New Year starts now, gather your courage and make a change!